Life sucks sometimes..

It's been some time that i've wrote..  not much has changed..  except everything.


First..   I feel like I need to get this out somewhere before my heart dies and my head explodes.


Things suck.   I am so damn mad at myself.

I'm mad that I was dumb enough to depend on another person for everything.    I feel like i'm up shit creek, without a paddle.

Do you know what it feels like to lose your best friend in the whole entire world?  I do. I lost him 11 days ago.  Jeremy and myself parted ways almost two weeks ago and i've been batteling a whirlwind of emotions ever since.      My best friend.. gone.   The love of my life..  gone.

I've been keeping my personal life off the interweb for some while but I will say..  It's been so fucking hard.    We didn't end on good terms and I doubt we'll ever be able to be friends again.

It's really difficult when your heart tells you one thing but your head tells you another..  my head telling me "this will never work out..   your girls dont need to think this is a relationship they should be in one day"    but my heart telling me  "You love him.. it'll all work out"  

Sorry heart, it'll never work out.  

Everyday I have to listen to Mallory talk about how she wants daddy to come home and she misses him..   She obviously doesn't understand it, but it feels like someone is twisting the dagger in my chest EVERY time.

Even though I'm so angry at him.. so angry with him, I'm even more angry with myself.   HOW could I have been so dumb..   I relied on this man for EVERYTHING in the last six years.   A man who couldnt keep a job, couldnt pay his bills on time and couldnt even keep us in our own fucking place.   Here I am, 25 years old.   A single mother of 3 and I held on so long because of love.   FUCK LOVE.

I am 25 yrs old, with three beautiful daughters.   I live with my father, no vehicle and my only income is Scentsy.   Yet, all i want to do is move HOME.      I left Ohio 9 years ago with my family and now all i want to do is flee Arizona and go back to te last place that I was truely happy and didnt have to deal with the heartache of thinking..  "Oh we went here together"  "Our first date was here..  The first time he said he loved me was when we were here"    I just want to leave.   Although I have family out here, I just want to start over fresh somewhere..   Sandly, stupid me thought that was going to happen.    Jeremy was supposed to get his divorce, marry me and we would PCS when he was reenlisted in the Military.

I realized lastnight that after SIX years and THREE kids together.. if he was ever going to make me his wife, it would have happened long ago.   If he was ever going to be responsible it wouldnt be when he was 32.   It would have been when he fould found out he was having a child with me.   *shrug*     Love makes you blind.

So because love made me so stupid and blind, here i am.  STUCK.   I have three kids..    three kids i love dearly and would give everything and anything to..   I don't know how I'm going to save to get a car..   pay for daycare so i can get a fulltime job..   how long it'll take me to save to leave this place..  but i'll do it eventually.    

Finally have to start believing in myself and only myself.  i CAN do this.. i WILL do this.. i have to.


And for Jeremy, because i think he'll be reading this:
I'm sorry I'm so nasty twards you.   I am so fucking angry at myself.   I want to stop loving you and missing you but I think it'll be some time.   You're right.   Things were said that can never be taken back.   I just wish you would have been honest about the marriage thing LONG ago.   I've been the idiot holding my breath and waiting for some magical change to happen.  I know nothing will ever change.     I want to be civil with you for the sake of the girls but please understand, i lost the love of my life and my best friend.   I feel like i've experienced the worst loss ever.   I need to grieve like it's an actual death.
I need to find ME again before I can be happy and the rude things you say is just going to push me farther and farther away. 
I hope you understand why I need to move away.. and want to.   You wont be around anyways because you'll be too busy with your new and improved military life.

Have a great 32nd Birthday with whoever is so important to you now.
xoxo

My Spawn..

are all growing up.  :(    I mean, dont get me wrong.. I'm glad theyre big and healthy but I want my baby to stay a baby and Mallory not go to school.   oh sad times..

Mallory can finally ride her bike like a big girl   :)

Maleah.. is..  Maleah Monster.   still obsessed with Ellie and lucky us..  hitting her terrible 2's

and Ellie bear is crawling everywhere..   pulling up and claps her hands for anything she loves now.

and a few more pics of my monsters because theyre just so cute!

7 1/2 months old.. 7 1/2months of EBFing and still going strong!

2012 Scentsy Convention

yeah, i WISH i was there.

the 2012 Scentsy Convention is going on RIGHT NOW in Las Vegas, Nevada.   I am beyond jealous.    Being pretty new to Scentsy this year, i didnt know what it was all about but you better believe i will be in attendance next year!    Who knows where it'll be held at though.

I've been pretty busy with Scentsy though..  making it the business I want it to be. 

Samples Samples Samples!     I've made plenty of these in the last few days.   I bought an awesome silicone candy mold and bags just the perfect size for samples and these adorable little round avery labels.   PEFECT!

August is Scentsy transition month also, so some scents will be going bye-bye and new ones will be here September 1st.     But we as Consultant don't which scents will be disappearing until theyre gone.    BUT this also means almost EVERYTHING will be 10% off for the month of August!    Who doesn't love an awesome sale?!

oh, by the way..

yup..   help WANTED.    Make your own hours, your own income and have FUN doing it..

This is the kit you recieve for $99 plus tax/shipping.
BUT THATS NOT ALL!
during the month of august you get ALL the current testers PLUS the new season's testers, current catalogues PLUS the new catalogues too.   
Your contents will vary seeing as mine came with Mollie the Monkey, Baby's Breath Warmer and Scentsy Layers products too.

This is an AMAZING deal!

If you want to JOIN.. click here!

If you're local and would like to host a HOME party, let me know!   August is an amazing month to host and a great month to buy!

July is the month to BUY BUY BUY!

So, Scentsy has some AMAZING deals this month..

First, our Warmer of the Month is adorable.. its very..  summery.  

Ohana

How cute is this with its teeny little flip-flops?    :)

Lemons & Berries is the July Scent of the Month.   This is a perfect mix and smells just like Strawberry Lemonade. 


As always, the Scent and Warmer of the Month are 10% off.



July is a GREAT month though.. so many rocking deals!

over 4 MILLION votes in the last few months brought back 20 previously discontinued scents.   These scents are available for JULY ONLY.     
this Bring Back My Bar set will NOT be available after July 1st.    Buy now before they disappear!

Independent Scentsy Consultant here!

So a few months ago, I started selling Scentsy.     Now if you haven't heard of Scentsy, its a family company full of independent consultant and we sell Wickless Candles.      
I've seen copy-cats and their products at certain Mega Chains and let me tell you, Scentsy is IT.

If you havent tried it, you NEED to.   Seriously, I'm ADDICTED!


The products are very well-made and the scents are AMAZING..    Personalized service and anything you could hope for!


I think every time I cange the Scent out in my Warmer, i'll update and give the pro-cons and my personal opinion on the specific scent.   :)



Currently, I am using this warmer..

It's called Rosso and in the medium-size collection.   This warmer looks GREAT in my back and white themed bedroom.   My red satin sheets and this beautiful red warmer add the perfect amount of color.

Tonight I also switched out my Scent from Mochadoodle (one of my favs) to Peach A La Mode.

I'm liking this scent...   I wasnt too excited about it when it came with my order, but after it's melted for a bit, it smells fantastic.   It's definantly a lighter scent, not even close to strong or overwhelming.   But it has a sweet, fruity and light Peachy smell..    I suggest this scent to those who adore the fruity scents.



Now these guys..   Scent Buddies.   They're ADORABLE.   Scentsy also introduced the Baby Buddies which are the same animals, only a bit smaller in size.

These above, are the Buddies..

This cute little guy below is a Baby Buddy..   Baby Lenny to be exact.

How can you say "no" to buying a cutie like this?!

The Buddies are an awesome invention.  Not only are they adorable but they smell GREAT.   How, you ask?

Well..   they all accept the Scentsy Scent Pak!

Amazing, right?    Scentsy has many scents to choose from and theyre so easily interchangeable!    Let you little one pick a scent of their choice and everywhere the go, they get to smell they stuffed friend..   heck, I wont tell if you buy one for yourself!   lol      

This is what the Scent Paks look like..

Pleanty of Scents to choose from!




Scentsy also offers pleanty of other items..   including room sprays, hand foams, travel tins..   etc.

You just HAVE to check it out!

where has it gone?

Time, that is.   where has it gone?
i find myself... early-mid July..   yes, July!   what's that about?!

My parents always used to say... everuthing goes by quicker, the older you get.   i remember being so young... somewhere in the middle of the school year wishing i were able to make it go by faster.. just to get to something...   summer?   the county fair? prom?  

sadly..  here I am.. 7 years after highschool.  i am with the man i love and have THREE children.  one of which that will be 5 this year.   i am honestly still in disbelief.   i dont want to believe it... you cant make me.
its scary how fast life flys by.   i am dreading January 1st, 2013.    That date.. all it means is another year has passed us by.   my kids are another year older.. another year closer to adulthood.. another year closer to realizing how short life really is.


I just... feel lost in time.   I didnt know where i wanted to be 7yrs after graduating highschool. I never said "im going to have three kids and be a stay at home mom!" yet, here I am.   I would do anything for my kids.. for my family.   but after seeing my would fall apart around me, it's time.

This is my time, right this SECOND to seize for myself.   To not only make the decision to taje better care of myself but to find ME again
.     I can never go back in time and although i sit and pinder whst could have happenef.. where i strayed from my path... i wouldnt vhange my past if i could.    but its time to change mu present....and future.

It's been a while..

I realized the other day how long it had actually been since I last wrote..

I'm pleased and excited to announce that Ellie is 10 weeks today.  10 weeks of exclusively breast feeding her.    Something that was so tiring and hard in the beginning is now completley natural.. and right.

Eleanor is getting so big already and is a perfect mix between her big sisters.  She's got Mallory's olive skin, Maleah's eyes and her hair is a dark auburn just like Maleah's was before it fell out and grew back in blonde.   She's such a sweet baby and so good (usually).   My baby juice is doing what it's supposed to and shes growing like a weed and packing on the baby fat. 

Mallory still adores Baby Ellie although she gets a little jealous at times and of course is super rebelious twards me..    I'm excited that she's going to Kinderharten this coming fall..  shes going to make so many friends and have so much fun but refuses to let me teach her how to write her letters and name..  *sigh*    shes just a stinker.   I'm honestly still in shock that she is THAT old..   One of my baby girls will be in SCHOOL in a few months.   WHOA!

Maleah is... Maleah.   lol    She's as adorable as ever and finally starting to talk more.  Today she said she was "laying down"   when she was in her bed at naptime then after she was dont eating a snack she yelled "Daddy DONE!" at Jeremy.   FREAKIN adorable!   She's finally into solid foods and LOVES to climb into her chair and stuff her face.. so in turn, shes finally putting on a little weight and isnt such a skinny-mini anymore.    She's still in love with Ellie and is either kissing her, licking her, trying to share her snacks and bottle with her or poking her relentlessly... Out of love, of course.

Things are going good at home..   Big changes are still coming our way.   Jeremy and I will be married FINALLY but still sooner than expected.   We're waiting on his divorce to be finalized so we can go on with our plans for our future which include a big move and a lot of changes for us as a family.   I'm super excited to be a 'real' family finally and to have a husband finally!

We've set some goals for the next few years that hopefully wont be hard to accomplish once we get the ball rolling..   Things like; get married, have our own house, have money in savings..   get a bigger vehicle.    I would love a 2011-2012 Dodge Caravan or a Tahoe.. with 3rd row seating of course.  ;)     I want to lose more weight and maybe we'll start trying for our 4th baby in 2013 sometime. 


Hmm... what else?   Oh, I've been considering adding recipes etc to this blog since Ive been cooking more lateley but seeing how I only update every few weeks.. i think it may be pointless.  But..  Maybe i'll add the good ones. 


Tax time is here.   What an awesome time of year, right?   WHOO HOO!     We're still waiting on ours but of course it's going to be spent where it's needed.   new Diono/SSK seats for the girls, Jeremy is fixing the car..  Buying clothing for the family that should last us for the next year or so and buying other items and paying off stinky bills.   Yeah, no one likes bills.  :/


Anyways, I'll update about these "big changes" as soon as theyre 100% set in stone.

xoxo