*rips hair out*

Yeah, i dont even have an actual name for this post..   my actions of ripping my hair out should be enough.


I'm so stressed out.    


*grabs another handful of hair*

So anyone that knows me or has been reading this, Jeremy and I split up.. almost 3 weeks ago.

After a lot of tears and a broken heart thats been super glued, broken again then taped together and yet broken again...    It's done.

He wants nothing to do with me.   I've never been through so much with one person before.. never given so much of myself and just gotten thrown away like garbage.

Funny thing is that for the last few months when we were actually getting along, we always talked about how we didnt want to be like my parents.. splitting up after 30 years of marriage or like his.. sticking together for absolutley no reason.

So here we are, two separate people with three kids.   Three kids who miss their Daddy but he doesnt even ask about them.   

I think after everything is all said and done, i'm so hurt because I've given him opportunity after opportunity to prove to me he cares.   To show me he wants me and NEEDS me in his life..   nothing in return.

I feel like i'm stuck at a roadblock now.   Once all his paperwork is complete and he's on Ellie's birth certificate the Military will make sure he's paying his child support but I obviously need a 'real' job.    I'm so torn over the idea of putting my girls in daycare, plus the fact that daycare for THREE kids is going to be out of control.  Let's hope i magically win the lottery without playing.   ;)


Anyways, although I REALLY dont want to, i'm going to have to turn to DES for help for cash assistance until i finally recieve child support, for help with food and even daycare assistance.

it's a hard lesson learned but atleast I know never to rely on anyone else for what i need/want. 

Well, y'all should be proud.   I've applied so many places in the last week.. a lot of retail some resteraunts.   Keeps your fingers crossed for me!   But then I have to figure out child care, transportation and Jeremy keeps bringing up that he's going to shut my phone off..  I almost wish he would already.       I'm so beyond done.   I'll figure something out and give my girls everything he couldnt.


I know some people cant understand this.. but i dont hate him   i guess we're just two different people and it wasnt meant to be.
I'll always love him because he's the father to my three beautiful girls.    Yeah. I'm upset that SIX years and three kids it has to end like this.. but it is what it is.   I hope he finds happiness and doesnt regret what's happened.

Im hoping and praying that I can get some kind of employment soon (plus Scentsy) and be able to file taxes this year..   get my shit together and move out of my Dad's house even if it means into transition housing.    I'd rather us be out on our own and working my ass off to provide than rely on someone else even more....


I need to do this for not only me, but my girls.  They need me more than ever now.


I will say, I am much closer with my monsters in the last three weeks..    They're also better behaved and respect me a little more and nothing else has changed becides Daddy not being around.    They miss him a lot.. and desire that male attention but I cant force him to see his kids.   It's sad.