Life sucks sometimes..

It's been some time that i've wrote..  not much has changed..  except everything.


First..   I feel like I need to get this out somewhere before my heart dies and my head explodes.


Things suck.   I am so damn mad at myself.

I'm mad that I was dumb enough to depend on another person for everything.    I feel like i'm up shit creek, without a paddle.

Do you know what it feels like to lose your best friend in the whole entire world?  I do. I lost him 11 days ago.  Jeremy and myself parted ways almost two weeks ago and i've been batteling a whirlwind of emotions ever since.      My best friend.. gone.   The love of my life..  gone.

I've been keeping my personal life off the interweb for some while but I will say..  It's been so fucking hard.    We didn't end on good terms and I doubt we'll ever be able to be friends again.

It's really difficult when your heart tells you one thing but your head tells you another..  my head telling me "this will never work out..   your girls dont need to think this is a relationship they should be in one day"    but my heart telling me  "You love him.. it'll all work out"  

Sorry heart, it'll never work out.  

Everyday I have to listen to Mallory talk about how she wants daddy to come home and she misses him..   She obviously doesn't understand it, but it feels like someone is twisting the dagger in my chest EVERY time.

Even though I'm so angry at him.. so angry with him, I'm even more angry with myself.   HOW could I have been so dumb..   I relied on this man for EVERYTHING in the last six years.   A man who couldnt keep a job, couldnt pay his bills on time and couldnt even keep us in our own fucking place.   Here I am, 25 years old.   A single mother of 3 and I held on so long because of love.   FUCK LOVE.

I am 25 yrs old, with three beautiful daughters.   I live with my father, no vehicle and my only income is Scentsy.   Yet, all i want to do is move HOME.      I left Ohio 9 years ago with my family and now all i want to do is flee Arizona and go back to te last place that I was truely happy and didnt have to deal with the heartache of thinking..  "Oh we went here together"  "Our first date was here..  The first time he said he loved me was when we were here"    I just want to leave.   Although I have family out here, I just want to start over fresh somewhere..   Sandly, stupid me thought that was going to happen.    Jeremy was supposed to get his divorce, marry me and we would PCS when he was reenlisted in the Military.

I realized lastnight that after SIX years and THREE kids together.. if he was ever going to make me his wife, it would have happened long ago.   If he was ever going to be responsible it wouldnt be when he was 32.   It would have been when he fould found out he was having a child with me.   *shrug*     Love makes you blind.

So because love made me so stupid and blind, here i am.  STUCK.   I have three kids..    three kids i love dearly and would give everything and anything to..   I don't know how I'm going to save to get a car..   pay for daycare so i can get a fulltime job..   how long it'll take me to save to leave this place..  but i'll do it eventually.    

Finally have to start believing in myself and only myself.  i CAN do this.. i WILL do this.. i have to.


And for Jeremy, because i think he'll be reading this:
I'm sorry I'm so nasty twards you.   I am so fucking angry at myself.   I want to stop loving you and missing you but I think it'll be some time.   You're right.   Things were said that can never be taken back.   I just wish you would have been honest about the marriage thing LONG ago.   I've been the idiot holding my breath and waiting for some magical change to happen.  I know nothing will ever change.     I want to be civil with you for the sake of the girls but please understand, i lost the love of my life and my best friend.   I feel like i've experienced the worst loss ever.   I need to grieve like it's an actual death.
I need to find ME again before I can be happy and the rude things you say is just going to push me farther and farther away. 
I hope you understand why I need to move away.. and want to.   You wont be around anyways because you'll be too busy with your new and improved military life.

Have a great 32nd Birthday with whoever is so important to you now.
xoxo