I want this back..

i miss being thin.. the smallest i ever was, was a size 5 and that was my freshman yr in HS..

I used to ride 7 days a week.. and do all sorts of stuff.. i loved my life.
when i was a sophmore, we moved from Ohio where i grew up to AZ..

then this happened..

I got thrown from a friend's horse.. I was riding english and we were rounding home on barrels and he started to buck, i got his head up and undercontrol.. and figured he had gotten it out of his system.. I ran the barrels again and that time, he bucked.. again. not crop hopping.. full on bucking and while i was pulling and pulling to get his head up, the reins broke and i lost my leverage abd balance.

next thing i knew, i was on the ground.. a puddle of blood around my face. I so vividly remember my adrenaline pumping and been thrown pleanty of times in the 16 yrs i has been riding horses, i was taught to just get up shake it off and get back on. I tried to get up and heard my friends screaming at me to stay down.. and after i tried getting back up again, they were putting weight on me, to keep me on the ground and to keep me still.. then i guess i blacked out.

I woke up in the ambulance, blacked back out after answering a question or two and then woke up in the hallway of the hospital.. feeling rocks imbedded in my face and mouth.. blood in my mouth. ugh. its like it happened yesterday.

I broke my nose, split the corners of my lips, did some damage to the inside of my mouth.. fractured and compressed a few vertebrea (sp).. not to metnion all the tears on my face..   now i have issues especially with the weight i put on, and my boobs getting bigger.. *sigh* i have major back issues..

I used to LOVE riding.. and now, I'm not afriad, im just much more cautious. Especially with the girls.. i think "if that happened to me before, it could again.. and who will be there for them?!" ugh.

I just want to go back to being healthy and not fat again.   Im 5'7 260lbs. I hat emy body but have no motivation and willpower to change myself. I have a double stroller, i just bought it to start exercising.. I NEED to get off my ass and start doing something to save myself.



It's 100+ out by 10am during the summer and cools to 90 at night.. the weather is perfect in the mornings now to go for a walk with the girls, but fuck.. i can barely get time in duringt he day to shower by myself.   or to take a shit without someone watching me. ahh the joys of motherhood.

i guess this is just me rambling and putting it out there.. thinking maybe if i admit to everyone else im a fatass, i'll do something to change but.. but for anyone who's seen pics of me and me IRL, they already know. yet, i havent done anything about it.

I start on the diet bandwagon, and within a day or two.. i slip up.   gahhhh never ending vicious cycle.

ive got these two little monsters to change for. <3