I want this back..

i miss being thin.. the smallest i ever was, was a size 5 and that was my freshman yr in HS..

I used to ride 7 days a week.. and do all sorts of stuff.. i loved my life.
when i was a sophmore, we moved from Ohio where i grew up to AZ..

then this happened..

I got thrown from a friend's horse.. I was riding english and we were rounding home on barrels and he started to buck, i got his head up and undercontrol.. and figured he had gotten it out of his system.. I ran the barrels again and that time, he bucked.. again. not crop hopping.. full on bucking and while i was pulling and pulling to get his head up, the reins broke and i lost my leverage abd balance.

next thing i knew, i was on the ground.. a puddle of blood around my face. I so vividly remember my adrenaline pumping and been thrown pleanty of times in the 16 yrs i has been riding horses, i was taught to just get up shake it off and get back on. I tried to get up and heard my friends screaming at me to stay down.. and after i tried getting back up again, they were putting weight on me, to keep me on the ground and to keep me still.. then i guess i blacked out.

I woke up in the ambulance, blacked back out after answering a question or two and then woke up in the hallway of the hospital.. feeling rocks imbedded in my face and mouth.. blood in my mouth. ugh. its like it happened yesterday.

I broke my nose, split the corners of my lips, did some damage to the inside of my mouth.. fractured and compressed a few vertebrea (sp).. not to metnion all the tears on my face..   now i have issues especially with the weight i put on, and my boobs getting bigger.. *sigh* i have major back issues..

I used to LOVE riding.. and now, I'm not afriad, im just much more cautious. Especially with the girls.. i think "if that happened to me before, it could again.. and who will be there for them?!" ugh.

I just want to go back to being healthy and not fat again.   Im 5'7 260lbs. I hat emy body but have no motivation and willpower to change myself. I have a double stroller, i just bought it to start exercising.. I NEED to get off my ass and start doing something to save myself.



It's 100+ out by 10am during the summer and cools to 90 at night.. the weather is perfect in the mornings now to go for a walk with the girls, but fuck.. i can barely get time in duringt he day to shower by myself.   or to take a shit without someone watching me. ahh the joys of motherhood.

i guess this is just me rambling and putting it out there.. thinking maybe if i admit to everyone else im a fatass, i'll do something to change but.. but for anyone who's seen pics of me and me IRL, they already know. yet, i havent done anything about it.

I start on the diet bandwagon, and within a day or two.. i slip up.   gahhhh never ending vicious cycle.

ive got these two little monsters to change for. <3

I can't believe it.

I can not believe how grown up Mallory is getting..   she's a beast of a 3yr old (i mean that in a good way) seeing how she's 3.5yrs old, 3'6" and 52lbs.

I remember being so scared when I was pregnant with her and how quickly time flew..   How afraid I was when I was in the hopsital on bedrest with my issues...   but how completley uneducated and unaware of how serious those issues really were.  I remember the 'oops' moments we had when she was an infant and I was learning how to care for her..   and the stilly things she did and Daddy let her do when I was at work.

I almost feel quilty though because I dont remember much of our every day happenings from when she was a infant, I dont know if its because it was 3+ years ago or because we have so many new memories that are replacing the older ones?   either way, i feel a little guilty.

And let me tell you..   whoever said terrible 2's were awful never had a 3yr old!

This seems like ages ago..   34 weeks with Mallory.    The next day I was sent to the hospital and put on bedrest with her because of my BP and my GD.

My newborn little monkey <3

Daddy and his mini-me.

About 4 months here..  its weird how much alike and yet different she looks compared to Maleah..

4 months old

My little princess crawling, 6 months old

In her pool, 6 months old.

7 months old

8mo..   newly pierced ears.  :)

 a yr old & 13 months old

14 months old <3

Summer 2009

2010

2011



and thats my beutiful, not-so-little-anymore girl. 

I cant believe it...

and one mroe just because i LOVE it.   July 2009, our Phx Vacation  :)

Irritated.

You know those few months that are supposed to be the end of winter, begining of spring?   Yeah, well here in AZ..   thats March.   March sucks..   its an absolutley horrid month.   It's in the 50's or so at night and sleeping with the windows open at night is wonderful, but its in the low to mid eighties during the day..  which means either A) turn the AC on and have a huge electric bill for when its not even summer yet..   or B) suffer in the heat with stupid box fans on.

And let me say..  the heat makes me soooooo IRRITATED.  ugh.  (insert disgusted face here)


Well the cake I did the other day turned out quite awesome..

The little sucker was heavy and so cute I really didnt even wanna give it to her.  lol
these are the cupcakes..

Vanilla cake with Lemon filling, vanilla marshmallow fondant on top with green vanilla fondant pea leaves..



this is the cake..
Vanilla cake with lemon filling, vanilla buttercream frosting and covered in Vanilla marshmallow fondant.   The peas on top and the baby's head are made of rice crispies and of course the baby has a real Gerber Paci.  :) The eyes are a 'chocolate melt' broken in half.



and the back of the cake to show all the other leaves i made and the baby's cute wittle pea leaf hat.



oddly enough after i posted it in FB, someone mentioned the baby looked eerily like a cabbage patch.   totally does!


Well I've been rocking Maleah in her bouncer for atleats 2 hours now and my toes hurt so I'm going to quit.  :)   I just wanted to get on here and update since I havent been on in a few days.   I have so much more i want to put down on here, but that'll have to wait for another time. 


xxoo

Blah.

Wow, I'm a little bit peeved.

Lately when i'ver been typing I'll be going so fast that my computer highlights EVERYTHING and of course if i dont notice the next key i hit, BAM everything is gone.   :(   so lets start this over again...

Pictures first..

maleah 4 months old

our awesome new couch..  the best $800 i've ever spent!

naked Maleah in her new big girl car seat.  :)

me, of course.

better picture of my lovely new ring.

princess Maleah, 4 months old.

My chunky monkeys!

Mallory 3 1/2 years old

My Perfect Princesses

Mallory in her big girl bed..  before the top bunk was attached.

Well Jeremy went on a interview last week and I'm happy to say he's got a new job.   Thank Goodness.

Finally he's got a great paying, full time job, with beneifts and lots of opportunities to advance!  Its so weird not having him around all the time because I got so used to it and used to him helping me but him working is awesome and a huge weight off both of our shoulders.

Finally we're going to be able to save and move.. and get a bigger vehicle for our family..    My parents will finally be able to have their house baby free again and have peace and quiet when they come home from work.. and we will be able to have our own space.   No more sharing a bedroom with the girls..  no more stepping on toys next to OUR bed.  YAYYY   lol, im excited..  so what!  :P

Since Jeremy has been working, it made me realize how much he helps me (usually) with house chores and with the girls...   im trying to get into the swing of things with doing everything alone but holy cow i swear im cleaning all friggin day long and if i dont get the house cleaned before bed at night, its a bazillion times worse.   Also this week i've been working on a baby shower cake for a customer when i have a few min of free time so I've been feeling super frazzled but she's picking that up tomorrow so today i need to wrap it in fondant (that i still need to make) and to finish building it since its a carved themed cake.   Tomorrow I have 2 dozen cupcakes to make..   white cake with lemon filling and vanilla buttercream with cute fondant peapods, those im looking forward to doing.

Now onto my 2nd of 12 loads of laundry to do today..  *wipes brow*   a woman's work is never done!

12-13-14

Yup, thats the date we've chosen for our wedding and withough realizing it we chose 12-13-14.   :)

December 13th, 2014.   weird, huh?   lol  <3

And ive already done a lot of window shopping, saving pictures and what-not.  whooo  lets get this planning going..  and i think my counter said its like, 1,383 days to go?  


Its been a busy week or so and I am just not feeling like myself for whatever reason..  exausted, irritated the whole 9 yards.  ugh. 
All of my tax season orders have come in except my wallet and glasses froma  friend and hopefully i can get pics up of my new bedset, the girl'new set...  my couch, storage units and everything else!

This blog needs some real good pictures even though I dont have any subscribers  :)




I do feel like crap for the reason this whole dieting thing hasnt been continuing.    even with help, you'd be surprised how busy and exausted you can be daily.  boo for feeling like crap.  I gotta get my fat booty back into the game though thats for sure..   atleast i've got three years to perfect and be happy with my body to look like ive always dreamed in my wedding dress though, right? 



That's all for tonight..  i will be posting a TON of photos tomorrow though so, YAY!